JEANNIE
Born the only child to Mrs Ethel and Mr Jim in the stunning surrounds of the picturesque East Midlands, Jean was a precocious child with a talent for very little.

After 20 years of the bright lights of London, ensconced with the fashion hoi polloi, Jean suddenly upped and left for the redneck Home Counties to be with her Mr Darcy, whereupon she popped out a couple of small mammals and had a complete sartorial bypass.

She can nowadays be found wearing dungarees, covered in a selection of infant bodily emissions, and slumped on the sofa with exhaustion. Her days are spent eating crisps, Tesco Value meals and watching Ricki Lake while surrounded by retina-splitting, primary coloured toys. Occasionally she ventures out to mother and toddler groups but has to leave due to strong urges to shoot the size 8, humourless, 4x4-driving mummies.

Her once agile mind and fervent wit has slipped out of the back door and gone into hiding - she's hoping it will return once the little ones have left home.


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